Telling a child that their grandparent has died is one of the hardest conversations a parent can have, often at a time when you are grieving yourself. You may worry about saying the wrong thing, or about upsetting them. Those worries come from love, and they are a good sign that you will handle it with care.
This guide offers general, widely shared advice from people who support grieving children. Every child is different, and you know yours best. If you are worried about how your child is coping, their doctor, school or a children’s bereavement service can help.
Tell them soon, and tell them yourself
If you can, tell your child yourself, or with someone they trust, rather than letting them overhear it or hear it from another child. Choose a quiet place where you will not be interrupted, and sit close to them. It is fine if you are upset while you tell them.
Use clear, simple words
Gentle phrases like “we lost Grandma” or “Grandpa went to sleep” can confuse children. Young children take words literally: they may wonder why nobody is looking for Grandma, or become afraid of going to sleep. Most children’s grief organisations recommend using the words “died” and “dead”, even though they feel harsh to say.
You might say something like: “I have some very sad news. Grandma died this morning. Her body stopped working, and she can’t breathe or eat or feel any pain any more. We won’t be able to see her again, and I am very sad. I’m here, and we will look after each other.”
If your family has religious or spiritual beliefs about what happens after death, you can share them as well. It helps to also explain the plain fact that the person’s body has stopped working, so the child understands that they will not come back.
What children understand at different ages
- Under five: children may not understand that death is permanent and may ask when Grandpa is coming back, many times. Answer patiently each time, with the same simple words.
- Around five to eight: children begin to understand that death is permanent, and may worry that it could happen to you or to them. They may ask very direct questions about the body.
- Around nine to twelve: children understand more fully and may hide their feelings to protect you. They often want facts and to be included in plans.
- Teenagers: they understand death as adults do but may prefer to grieve with friends. Offer to talk, without insisting.
Let them react in their own way
Some children cry. Some ask a practical question, like whether they can still go to a friend’s party, and then go off to play. This can be upsetting to see, but it is very normal. Children often grieve in short bursts, moving in and out of sadness. A child who seems fine today may have questions next week, or months later.
Do not tell them not to cry, and try not to hide all your own sadness either. Seeing you cry, and hearing you say you will be all right, teaches them that sadness is something you can feel and survive.
Answer questions honestly
Children may ask: Where is Grandma now? Did it hurt? Will you die too? Is it my fault? Answer as simply and truthfully as you can. It is fine to say “I don’t know” to questions nobody can answer. When they ask whether you will die, a common and honest reply is that most people live for a very long time, and that you expect to be here to look after them for many years.
Young children sometimes believe that something they thought or did caused the death. Tell them clearly that it was not their fault, even if they have not asked.
Explain what happens next
Children cope better when they know what to expect. Tell them about any changes to their routine, such as who will pick them up from school, or that you may be busy or sad for a while. If there will be a funeral, explain what it is, what they will see and hear, and let them choose whether to come. Many children are glad to have been included; a child who would rather not go can say goodbye another way.
Help them remember
Children, especially young ones, may worry about forgetting their grandparent, or may genuinely have few memories. You can help by keeping the grandparent present in everyday life.
- Talk about them naturally: “Grandpa loved this song.” “Grandma would have laughed at that.”
- Make a memory box together with photos, a card, a scarf or something that smells of them.
- Look at photographs and tell the stories behind them.
- Let your child draw pictures or write letters to their grandparent.
- Keep a family tradition that the grandparent started.
Keep an eye on them over time
Changes in sleep, appetite, behaviour at school or clinginess are common after a death and usually settle over a few weeks. Let their teacher know what has happened. If your child’s distress lasts a long time, seems to be getting worse, or you are worried for any reason, talk to their doctor or a children’s bereavement service. Asking for help is a caring thing to do, not a sign that you have failed.
Looking after yourself too
You have lost a parent, or a parent-in-law, while caring for a grieving child. Try to accept help from others with meals, school runs and time to yourself. Children take their cue from the adults around them, and they are helped most by adults who are being looked after as well.
Something to look at together, later
As children grow, they often want to know more about the grandparent they lost. A memorial page or a short film of their grandparent’s life, like the ones Everleaf makes from family photos and memories, can be something you watch together when they ask, at whatever age that is.