The first Christmas after someone dies can be one of the hardest days of the year. Everything around you is about family and togetherness, the shops play the same songs, and every tradition seems to have their shape in it: the seat they sat in, the dish they always made, the decoration they put up last. Many people dread it for weeks.
There is no way to make it painless. But there are ways to make it more bearable, and to find a place for them in the day. These ideas apply to any holiday that brings families together.
Plan ahead, together
Not knowing what the day will look like often makes the dread worse. A few weeks before, talk with the people you will spend it with. Ask each person what would help and what would be too much. You will not agree on everything, and that is fine. The aim is that nobody is caught off guard.
- Where will you be? Some families find it easier to be somewhere different this year.
- Who will cook, and who will do the jobs they used to do?
- Will you mark their absence openly, quietly, or not at all?
- Is there a way out for anyone who needs a break during the day?
Keep, change or pause traditions
Every family’s traditions are different, so look at them one by one. Some will feel comforting to keep exactly as they were. Some may feel unbearable without the person who led them. You can keep them, change them, or simply pause them this year without giving them up forever.
Small changes can help: eating at a different time, having a meal out instead of cooking, opening presents in a different room, or going for a walk in the afternoon when the day often feels longest.
Ways to include them
Many families find comfort in making space for the person on the day. A few ideas:
- Light a candle for them at the start of the meal.
- Hang a special decoration, or give part of the tree to ornaments that remind you of them.
- Cook their signature dish, using their recipe if you have it.
- Raise a glass and say their name. Invite anyone who wants to share a memory.
- Play the music they loved, or watch the film they always put on.
- Look through photos of past Christmases together.
- Give a gift in their name to a cause they cared about.
- Write a card to them and put it on the tree or in a memory box.
You do not have to do any of these. One small thing is often enough.
Saying their name
People are often afraid to mention the person who died, in case it causes tears. Yet many grieving people say the silence is worse. If you would like them to be talked about, say so. If you are a guest, gently mentioning a happy memory of them is usually a kindness, not an intrusion.
When children are in the house
Children often still want Christmas to feel like Christmas, and they may move between sadness and excitement within minutes. That is normal and healthy. Let them help choose a way to remember the person, such as making a decoration or choosing their favourite song. Keep their routines where you can, and let them see that it is all right to laugh as well as cry.
Looking after yourself
- Say no to some invitations. You do not owe anyone your attendance this year.
- Say yes to one or two, so you are not completely alone, if being alone feels hard.
- Shop online or keep presents simple. Busy shops can be overwhelming.
- Watch how much you drink. It can make low moods lower.
- Get outside each day, even briefly.
- Plan something gentle for the days between Christmas and New Year, which can feel empty.
Mixed feelings are normal
You may find yourself enjoying a moment, then feeling guilty for it. You may feel angry at people who seem to be having a normal Christmas. You may feel nothing at all. All of these are part of grief. Laughing on Christmas Day does not mean you miss them less.
If you are spending it alone
If you will be on your own, perhaps after losing a partner, plan the day in some detail. Arrange a phone or video call at a set time. Prepare food you like. Go somewhere for a walk where there will be other people around. Some places of worship, community groups and charities hold gatherings for people on their own at Christmas; you would be welcome.
When it is too much
The holidays can bring grief back with great force. If you feel you cannot cope, or you have thoughts of harming yourself, please contact your doctor, a bereavement charity or a crisis helpline. Many helplines stay open over Christmas, and the people answering expect calls from people who are grieving.
Next year, and the years after
Many people say the first Christmas was the hardest, and that later ones found a new shape. Over time, families often keep one or two rituals for the person who died, and those rituals become a warm part of the day rather than a painful one.
Some families make a short film or a memorial page during the holidays, when everyone is together and can add their photographs and stories. Everleaf can help with that if you want it, whenever you feel ready, which does not need to be this year.