The first birthday after someone dies has a strange weight to it. For years the date meant cards, phone calls and cake. Now it arrives anyway, on the calendar and in your phone’s reminders, and there is no one to call. Many people say the days leading up to it were harder than the day itself.
There is no right way to spend it. Some families gather. Some people want to be alone. Some carry on as normal and find that works. This guide offers ideas, not rules, so you can choose what feels right for you.
Expect the days before to be hard
Dread often builds in the week before. You may feel tired, irritable or teary for no clear reason, then realise the date is coming. This is very common. It helps to know it might happen, so that it does not catch you by surprise, and to be a little gentler with yourself that week.
If you can, lighten your load: move a hard meeting, say no to an extra commitment, tell a friend or colleague that this week may be difficult. You do not have to explain more than you want to.
Decide in advance, but loosely
Having some kind of plan usually helps, even if the plan is to stay home. Without one, the day can feel empty and long. But keep the plan loose. You may wake up feeling differently than you expected, and it is fine to change your mind.
If other people are involved, talk about it before the day. A brother may want to visit the grave while you would rather not. A parent may want everyone together. Saying what you each need, without expecting to agree on everything, can prevent hurt feelings later.
Ideas for marking the day
These are things other families have found helpful. Choose one, or none.
- Cook or order their favourite meal, or bake the cake they always had.
- Visit a place they loved: a beach, a park, a café, the football ground.
- Look through photographs together and tell the stories behind them.
- Write them a birthday card or letter, and keep it or leave it somewhere meaningful.
- Give to a cause they cared about, or do something kind in their name.
- Listen to their favourite music, or watch a film they loved.
- Light a candle at a set time, and let family elsewhere know so you all light one together.
- Plant something that will flower around their birthday in years to come.
If you want to do nothing
Some people find any kind of ritual too much in the first year, and that is completely all right. You do not have to mark the day to prove you loved them. Going to work, walking the dog and having an early night is a perfectly good way to spend it. The love is not measured by what you do on one date.
If others want to do something, you can tell them kindly that you will be keeping it quiet this year, and perhaps join them for one small part.
Let other people share memories
Many grieving people say the hardest part is the silence: everyone else seems to have forgotten the date. Friends often stay quiet because they are afraid of upsetting you. If you would like to hear from people, it is fine to tell them. A message such as “It would have been Dad’s 70th on Saturday. I’d love to hear any memories of him if you have one” often brings back stories you have never heard.
Those stories can be a real gift. A friend from his twenties, an old colleague, a neighbour: each of them knew a slightly different person, and on a birthday you get to meet him again a little.
If there are children in the family
Children often want to do something concrete. Drawing a card, choosing a cake, or releasing a wish in a way that suits your family can give them a way to take part. Let them ask questions and talk about the person in their own words. It is fine for them to see you sad, as long as they also hear that you will be all right.
Taking care of yourself on the day
- Eat something, even if you do not feel like it, and drink water.
- Get outside for a little while if you can.
- Have one person you can call or message if the day becomes too much.
- Allow yourself to laugh if something is funny. Joy and grief can sit together.
- Plan something small and easy for the day after, in case the feelings arrive late.
Their age keeps counting
One quiet strangeness is that you still count their age: “She would have been 60 today.” Some people find this comforting, a way of keeping them in the present. Others find it painful. Both are normal. Over the years, many families settle into a small tradition for the birthday that feels less like loss and more like remembering.
When it feels like too much
Birthdays and anniversaries can bring grief back with surprising force, even years later. If you find you cannot cope, are not sleeping, or are thinking about harming yourself, please talk to your doctor, a bereavement service or a helpline straight away. Grief support organisations are there for exactly these moments.
A place to gather their memories
Some families use the first birthday to start something lasting. An Everleaf memorial page brings their story, their photographs and a short film of their life together in one place, and friends can leave memories of their own, which you approve before they appear. Each birthday, there is somewhere to return to.