Almost everyone who has lost a grandparent has a question they wish they had asked. Where did you meet? What was your mother like? Why did you leave the village? While they are here, the answers are one conversation away. Afterwards, they are often gone for good.
This guide gives you questions to start with, and a few tips for making the conversation easy and enjoyable for both of you. You do not need to ask them all. One good conversation is worth more than a perfect list.
Before you start
- Tell them what you would like to do and why: “I realised I don’t know much about when you were young, and I’d love to.” Most grandparents are delighted to be asked.
- Choose a calm time, not a busy family gathering. A cup of tea at the kitchen table works well.
- Bring old photographs. They are the easiest way into a story.
- Ask if you can record. A phone on the table is enough, and their voice will be precious later.
- Plan for short sessions. Thirty to forty-five minutes is plenty; you can always come back.
Childhood and growing up
- Where did you grow up, and what was the house like?
- What is your earliest memory?
- What were your parents like? What did they do for work?
- What did you do for fun as a child?
- Who was your best friend, and what did you get up to?
- What was school like? Was there a teacher you remember?
- What did your family eat on an ordinary day, and on special days?
Young adulthood and work
- What was your first job, and how much did it pay?
- What did you want to be when you were young?
- Where did you go and what did you do when you were twenty?
- Did you ever move far from home? What made you go?
- What work are you proudest of?
Love and family
- How did you meet Grandma or Grandpa? What did you first think of them?
- What was your wedding day like?
- What was it like when your first child was born?
- What was my mum or dad like as a child?
- What family traditions came from your own parents?
The world they lived through
- What big events do you remember, and where were you when you heard?
- What has changed most since you were young? What do you miss?
- What did things cost when you were starting out?
- What music did you love, and where did you dance?
Family history and names
These questions are easy to forget and impossible to answer later. Have a notebook or a family tree drawing ready.
- What were your grandparents’ names, and where were they from?
- Do you know how our family came to live here?
- Who are the people in this photograph?
- Are there relatives we have lost touch with?
- Are there family recipes, and could you show me how to make one?
Looking back
Some questions go deeper. Ask them gently, and only if the conversation feels relaxed. It is fine if they would rather not answer.
- What are you proudest of in your life?
- What was the hardest time, and what got you through it?
- Is there anything you would do differently?
- What do you think matters most in life?
- What would you like your great-grandchildren to know about you?
Tips for a good conversation
Follow the story, not the list. If a question leads somewhere unexpected, go with it; the detours are often the best part. Ask “and then what happened?” and “what was that like?” more than new questions.
Be patient with memory. Dates and names may be muddled, and that does not matter. The feeling of the story is what you are collecting. If a grandparent has memory problems, older memories are often clearer than recent ones, and photographs and music can help bring them back.
Some memories are painful: a war, a lost child, a hard childhood. If they become upset, it is fine to pause, hold their hand and change the subject. Let them decide how much to share.
Bringing other family members in
Conversations with grandparents often go better with more than one generation in the room. A grandchild asking “what were you like at my age?” can open a story that an adult child never thought to ask about. Siblings or cousins can each take a topic, and an aunt or uncle may remember the other side of a story. Afterwards, compare notes; the same event is often remembered quite differently, and both versions are worth keeping.
Keeping the answers safe
After each conversation, copy the recording off your phone and save it in at least two places. Write a short note of what you talked about, with any names and dates, while it is fresh. If you can, share the recordings with the rest of the family, so they are not held on one device.
Over time, you may want to turn the answers into something: a written life story, a family tree with their stories attached, or a photo book with their words beside the pictures.
If it is already too late
If you are reading this after a grandparent has died, the same questions can still be asked of the people who knew them: your parents, their siblings, their old friends. You will not get every answer, but you will get more than you expect, and each person will remember something different.
Letting them tell it in their own way
Some grandparents would rather tell their story themselves than be interviewed. With Everleaf’s “my own story”, they can record their life in their own words and photographs, and choose to keep it sealed for the family until the people they trust say the time has come. The family tree add-on keeps names and relationships alongside it.